Somehow, according to the comments, my family members have the belief that I'm worried and fearful about what may or may not happen. Which, actually, couldn't be further from the truth. As any responsible parent, I do tend to get anxious about paying our bills since neither Ed nor I have consistent, regular income, but considering THAT (which, trust me, is a lot to consider), I'm fairly confident that things will work out, if not for any other reason than the fact that they have worked out for an ENTIRE year despite daily uncertainty. If I do get the job, great- it's security in the form of I know that I get a paycheck every month (even if it's not very big). If I don't get the job, great - I won't know when or where the money will come from every month, but I do know I have jobs lined up that will most likely lead to more jobs. Besides, when it all gets too much, I have Ed, wine (as necessary), plus, photos or moments like this one of Jack to give perspective.
I will tell you what makes me anxious more than anything at the moment: heat. Or rather, the impending heat. By Wednesday, the weather is going to kick our butt; the heat index is supposed to be around 110 degrees (as if 1 or 2 degrees in either direction will make a difference). The weather folks just say this: it's going to be "hot, humid, and hazy." We don't even get blue sky with the heat; just the constant, oppressive inability to breath too deeply. We bought another air conditioner for Jack's room (we were going to get him a toddler bed, but the money went to keeping him from heat exhaustion; I'm thinking he can wait a while for the bed). My sister has it worse in Kansas. She's got a few days in the 100s-- making Boston's current temp (a cozy 85) sweater weather. I look to the west and imagine the low 70s and wonder, how could I ever have appreciated the seasons without the extreme heat and cold?
I saw a leaf fall from a tree this morning and wondered if this week of heat will be the last before a distinct change comes around in the wind and air. And, it got me thinking not about mourning summer, like I usually do, but rather, about what Jack could be for Halloween (ideas are welcome!). I used to mourn summer in the Northwest - I think because we never really got enough of it; I want to be knocked down by summer, beaten up enough to prioritize weekly trips to the beaches or lakes; lathered in so much sunscreen that I crave long-sleeve shirts and cool evening walks. If nothing else, this last year in Boston has forced us to actually live moment to moment - sometimes it's terrifying, but more and more, it's liberating. Not that I would recommend picking up and moving across the country with a one-year old and no financial security, but hey, security is overrated. And I knew that, I just didn't live it long enough to really know it. And, really, we have more security than most in the world, so what the hell? Time to live it up: crack open the orange juice, Jack--he usually drinks apple--; leave the vaccuum in the basement Laura; and Ed, save those emails for later. Sweat, BBQ and be merry, for tomorrow we bundle up.